9 Things You Should Never Say at Funerals

Avoid putting your foot in your mouth at the worst time possible.

Telling the bereaved how the death of their loved one makes you feel can be difficult, even awkward. At times like this, you want to offer words of comfort, but at the same time, berespectfuland tactful because the family is going through a rough time. Many of us struggle to say the right thing, but end up resorting to something generic, like “I’m sorry for your loss”, which sounds hollow and impersonal.

 

What should you say then? The most important thing to remember is to be sincere. Remember why the departed mattered to you and wish the family peace; they aren’t expecting you to understand exactly what they are going through and know that you are there to grieve too. With that in mind, here are some guidelines of what you should stay away from.

 

1. “This is a blessing in disguise” or anything along the lines that suggests that the bereaved are better off now. Even after a long and trying illness, it’s not tactful to imply that they should somehow be relieved by the death.
2. “There’s a silver lining”, or “look on the bright side”. Of course you want to cheer the bereaved up, but pointing out that something good could come from the passing isn’t the best way to do that. Instead, you could share funny stories or happy memories about the departed.
3. “I know how you feel, I still haven’t gotten over my dog’s death”. That would obviously have been quite offensive. Even if you are comparing their loss to when you lost someone (not a pet), we all experience loss differently and you shouldn’t make this about you. Let them know that you are there for them, and listen if they want you to.
4. “Did ________ mention anything about his/her will?” Maybe the deceased had promised to leave you something; maybe you are concerned on behalf of the bereaved. Nevertheless, it’s not appropriate to ask questions about the will immediately after the death.
5. “Did you know that …?” The departed may have shared information with you that he or she has never told the family. Whether it’s membership in an organisation like AA or an event in their past, it’s privileged information that should be respected as such. Your condolences are the last place to reveal such secrets.
6. “You’re still young, and you can always try again” is the last thing that parents who have just lost a child want to hear. The loss of a child is devastating and should not be trivialised, no matter how young the child is. The same goes for “you have plenty of time to find someone else” if the bereaved has lost his/her spouse.
7. “He/ she’s in a better place now” suggests that the grieving should somehow feel positive about their loss and that their tears and anguish are out of place. The bereaved also may or may not believe about life after death, and the funeral is no place to question such beliefs.
8. “God won’t give you more than you can handle”. Your friend is probably feeling overwhelmed and uttering such platitudes won’t help much. Acknowledge that his or her life has changed significantly with the loss and offer to help with errands or babysitting instead.
9. “Everything happens for a reason” makes the tragedy that the bereaved have just experienced sound inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. If you’re religious, you can try saying “I don’t understand God’s reasons behind this, but if you need to talk about how you’re feeling, I’m here.”

Processing the death of someone who meant something to you is never easy.

Although it may feel like there is nothing you can say that may comfort the bereaved, your condolences will still be appreciated. Make sure you do so with sensitivity.